I was going through some stuff today and came across a big manila envelope. I opened it and found various cards and letters. Most of them were letters Mom had written me while I was in college. I decided to go through them all, and found an envelope that was unmarked. I opened the envelope to find a letter I had written to my son on his first birthday. I will share it with you.
April 20, 1989
Nicolas,
Happy Birthday! I wonder what you look like, and I wonder how you are. I hope that you are happy with your new family. So many times I hear about adopted children being abused and I pray that it will never happen to you.
You are one year old today. I know that you should be walking and saying a few small words by now, but I wish I could have watched you do these things.
In class I learned how infants form attachments. I figure you were adopted when you were about 6 months old, which is about the you would have formed an attachment to your foster mother. I hope it was not traumatic for you when you were adopted to be taken away from her, and I hope you adjusted well at that time, and will not have problems later on because of the detachment.
Today has been very difficult for me. I came home today because I could not stay at school. It reminded me so much of the day you were born. Not that it was a bad day, but because I miss you so much now. I want to hold you, see you, and know that you are okay. I still think of you daily. I wanted you so much, but it just wasn't possible.
I hope your day today has been as happy as mine has been sad. I keep thinking, hoping, that when you turn 18, you will want to know who and where I am. That's only 17 years from now. That's why I'm writing this now; in hopes that one day you will come, and I can share with you myself, and how I feel, and your birthday wishes from me each year of your life.
Happy Birthday
Nicolas Calvin!
Love,
Betty, your 1st mom
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