Mother's Day in September

I remember several years ago on Mother's Day sitting in my Sunday School class sobbing. Mother's Day was always one of the hardest days of the year for me, second only to his birthday which was about three weeks before Mother's Day which pretty much made the months of April and May suck for me. That Mother's Day was particularly difficult for me for some reason. Usually, I could hold it together pretty well for the sake of others, but on that day, I was openly weeping, uncontrollably, in a room full of people. Mother's Day was supposed to be a celebration of the life of a mother, but I could not participate. My heart was burdened with the desire to locate my first born son, and there was nothing that was going to fill that empty space in my heart; not my husband, not my two other precious children, not Jesus, not anything.

I dreaded this day... every year...

Sure, I had two young children who showered me with hugs, kisses, breakfast in bed, and construction paper cards with "I Love You, Mom" printed in crayola, but even their sweet spirit could not completely take me away from the pangs of grief I felt each year as I mourned the absence of their brother. I worried then, as I do now, that they would think that they were not enough for me. In all honesty, having them saved me. To me, having them meant I had been redeemed as a mother; God was giving me another shot at being the ONLY thing I knew for sure I that I was put on this earth to do. To me it meant that he must have thought I wasn't so bad after all. I put everything I had into being their mom, all the while wondering about the child I named Nicholas.

For more than 23 years I wondered about this child... everyday. Every Christmas, every Easter, every Thanksgiving, every Mother's Day, every  Valentine's Day, every birthday, every day that ended in -y, I wondered about him. On September 3rd, 2011, I finally got to meet my son. Our reunion did not happen like the ones you see on TV. There were no cameras, no celebrities, no special guests. There were lots of people around us shopping in the outdoor market, but none of them were aware of the magical moment unfolding before them. I had finally found the eyes like mine I had been searching for in every crowd of strangers for the last 23 years.

... I was celebrating Mother's Day in September!


The last two years have been nothing short of incredible, but the last three months especially so. We meet once a week, just us, to catch up. We have a plate of wings, a few beers, and we talk, we laugh, we shoot pool, but mostly we talk. Our time is special. No one else is allowed to join us. Nobody. We decided early on that we needed this time to be shared just between us.We have a lot of catching up to do. We've learned a lot over the last weeks, and over time I've noticed some things have changed. The time is more precious, the conversations are deeper, the hugs are tighter, and the "I love you's" are sweeter. There are few people I've known in my life with whom I can be totally myself. He has become one of those people.

So as September 3rd approaches and the second year passes, I reflect on that day in 2011, and recall all of the emotions I felt and I am still overwhelmed. Even on that day, I could not have imagined how happy I would be two years later. It was a day that changed my life forever; a day like no other; a very special Mother's Day.