Mirror, Mirror

 

29th of September, 2013

What you hate most in others, is the shadow within yourself.
Author Unknown

Last week a Judge placed Baby Veronica Rose with her adoptive parents, the Capobiancos, after her birth father fought a long battle to maintain custody of his daughter. As a birth mother, I mourned for Dusten Brown's loss. I also mourned for Baby Veronica's loss.

I'm reminded of the story in 1 Kings where two women brought a child to King Solomon, both claiming to be the mother of the child. King Solomon wisely ordered the child cut in half so that each mother could have half the child. The true mother of the child told King Solomon to give the child to the other woman so that the child could live. Showing her greed and bitterness, the other woman declared neither of them should have him, and wished for the king to carry out his order. Realizing that only a true mother would mercifully give up her child so that he could live, King Solomon rescinded his order and placed the child with his true mother. (I Kings 3: 16-28 paraphrased)


I believe that Dusten Brown is Veronica's true father. He should have been able to raise his daughter, with his wife. It would have been extremely disappointing for the Capobiancos. I am sure they love Veronica, but they are not her parents. But ultimately the wisdom of Solomon did not prevail. Instead, the greed of the Capobiancos did and Dusten, the true father handed his precious daughter to the Capobiancos.

 I asked myself, "How did this happen?"

You can find biased reports from either side throughout all media venues,  but no matter what you read or hear, it is a sad case for both sides, and especially for Veronica Rose. Not much is being said about Christy Maldonadao, Baby Veronica's birth mother, and honestly, I didn't consider it very much until now. Ultimately, this started with her. It appears that she relinquished Baby Veronica without the father's knowledge while he was serving our country in Iraq. Don't get me wrong; I am not judging her. OK, I did...  I don't know all the details of her relationship with Dusten Brown. I don't know the details of the relinquishment.

Still... I judged her...

I shared various articles by prominent adoption reform advocates. I commented on other posts in a very self righteous sort of way.


 I had a hard time sleeping that night.

 I wrongly assumed that it was because of all the emotions that swirling around the outcome of the case. Then, as I considered my own adoption story, my conscience got the better of me. My self-righteousness and my reality slammed into one another at about 2:00AM and my sanctimonious attitude was immediately humbled.

What came forth was my reality...

My reality is that 25 years ago, I was Christy Maldonado.

By the time I gave birth to my son in 1988, I was 22 years old and I had already decided to place him for adoption. When asked by the social worker about the father of my son I told her I did not know who the father was, which was a half truth. I knew the possibilities, there were three; but I refused to put a name on the birth certificate. After I signed the papers, and the time frame for me to change my mind had passed, which at the time was 30 days in North Carolina, the state sought to terminate the father's parental rights by placing ads in the Public Notice section of the Classified ads in my local newspaper. No one answered the ad and the TPR passed.

About a year and a half later, my boyfriend confronted me about the adoption. Being one of the three possibilities, he was married at the time I became pregnant, but was separated at the time of his birth. We were together until 1993 but never married.  He never had children of his own but did have two step children at one time whom he adored and they adored him. In 2008 our paths crossed again. It wasn't until then did I learn how he had grieved for this child. He died nine months later believing in his heart that he was the father of my son.

In 2010, I finally told the other two men that they could have potentially fathered a child in 1987.

One of  them has known since puberty that he was infertile. He has no children.The other man has two children; a son with special needs now a high school freshman, and a daughter still in elementary school I think. His Facebook pictures show him to be a loving and attentive father, one of them painting his daughters fingernails and toenails. He has no desire to even meet my son that he could have fathered.

Regardless of the circumstances of my pregnancy, regardless of how I felt about the capability of either of them to parent a child, I should have not taken away their choice. I made my decision to place my son for adoption based on fear. Fear that my son's father could be married to another woman; fear that my son's father was someone who I did NOT consider father material; fear of what other people would think of me. There were other factors as well. I wonder what motivated Christy Maldonado's decision. I can't answer that. All I know is I am no body's moral compass.

The guilt is back.

The shame is back.

Has my opinion changed?
No.
Dusten Brown IS Baby Veronica's father.
Their story is not over.
Veronica will grow up.
My son grew up.
When I found him he asked questions.
Veronica will ask questions too.

Somebody will have to answer them.